'You have to love yourself first'
I always hated that phrase.
'Who can love you if you can't love yourself?'
I never understood what that meant. I was a child actor for a big portion of my youth to teens and never really had personal confidence. I had strength in my acting, in my showmanship. But that was never what they criticized. My looks are what they mentioned. 'Too tall.' 'Too fat.' Too this and too that. So, I starved myself in high school. Lost 40lbs in two months. 'When did you start doing drugs, Melissa?' I smile and say 'Just starving.' I was so proud. Then the things they said changed. 'Too thin.' 'Glasses!' 'Hair the wrong color.'
What am I supposed to do? I thought being thin would solve all my problems. But no, there was always something someone didn't like.
Those words always stuck with me. I know they shouldn't... But, when a handsome man is looking at me with love in his eyes... How am I supposed to think he will stay when everyone else has left? When all I have been told is I'm not good enough , why would he think differently? What's wrong with him?! And when he goes to leave, I hide away to sulk in my pride knowing 'I was right again.'
How can I be there for someone if I am never there for myself?
I always told myself 'depressed people get in relationships all the time! I just need more dating experience!' Then, the relationship goes somewhere and I start to panic. 'I'm going to ruin this! He isn't smiling at me? He is most definitely going to break up with me!'
I must've had an eject button I was carrying around in my pocket. Fondling it for the perfect time to ruin everything I worked for.
I need to believe in myself. I know I have an amazing personality. I am an amazing woman. I have ambition, humor, intelligence-- my goodness I am a fricken' catch!
I just have to be as proud of my looks as I am about who I am on the inside. I may not be a model... I won't ever be the prettiest girl in the world. But, I can be the star of someone's world.